Goddamn Pickle Tricks

Recently, I was making a recipe for a vegan tuna salad (chickpeas, yo), and the recipe called for these stupid tiny pickles that I don’t have. Because who just has pickles? If you do have a jar of pickles, it’s probably bread and butter pickles leftover from a barbecue held in honor of your eighth birthday.

So I went to the grocery store, pretty much just to buy a jar of these specific tiny pickles. Naturally, they don’t come in small jars–they come in jars the size of my face.

When I got home and started making the recipe, it called for chopping up, like, six of the tiny pickles from this massive jar, and tossing them in the tuna salad.

Only as I was making my well-deserved sandwich, did I realize, “Chopping up pickles is sort of like relish. Wait, it is relish…. GODDAMN IT, I COULD HAVE JUST USED RELISH.”