Wow, People Really Love Penises.

The most popular post on this blog BY FAR is the one about seeing “The Golden Penis” in Prague. I’d really love to know if that post inspired anyone traveling to actually seek out The Golden Penis for themselves.

And because you guys all love phallic imagery so much, I thought I’d deliver a positive message in the form of a drawing. JUST REMEMBER, you get to decide who you are in this world. No one can tell you who or what to be. Only you can define yourself.

"I'm not a dick!"(And for anyone thinking, “Good lord! What would your mother say if she saw this?!” If my life up until this point is any indication, she would take the tablet stylus away from me and say, “Come on, Pug. You can do better. That’s not how you draw a penis. I’ll show you how to draw a penis.” Then she’d hover over my shoulder until I got it right.)

I Am Meow Open to Finding My (Cat) Soulmate

cat soulmate valentine2Sometimes, you need to put positive energy out into the world acknowledging that you are—at long last—ready for a deep and meaningful commitment. With a cat.

I have decided that I am now ready to share my living space with a cat. But not just any cat. I don’t want to adopt a cat for the sake of getting a cat. What I’m looking for is a spiritual bond. Love at furs sight. I’m ready to find a cat that looks at me and says, “You. You are my human.”

My soulmate cat may find me, one way or another. But I’m not above putting myself meowt there. Going to adoption events. Hanging out at shelters.

Know a good cat(ch) and want to play matchmaker? My ideal cat is female, small, preferably not orange—I’m a sucker for unique-looking cats—with a passive, calm purrsonality. Not a kitten, maybe an adult cat that’s one or two years old.

If you’re also looking to adopt a new furry best friend, the best online cat match resource I can recommend is Petfinder. It’s a great way to see all of the cats in your area that need a good home. (Just in my area, there are SIX THOUSAND cats up for adoption. That’s insane. On a completely unrelated note: How much space do you think I would need to adopt six thousand cats?)

Even if you’re looking for a specific breed and you think you’re just going to need to shell out cash for a breeder, try Petfinder first. Scottish Folds? On Petfinder. Russian Blues? On Petfinder. Siamese? Petfinder. ONE-EYED CATS? THIS IS NOT A EUPHEMISM, MY FRIEND. PETFINDER.

Not big on internet dating—I mean “cat finding?”

On the off-chance you’re in the DC-area, check in regularly at PetMAC in Friendship Heights. They work with a rescue in Virginia to have adoptable cats just running free around the shop.

Not in DC? Check and see if there’s a cat café near you! If they work with a rescue, that’s a good way to meet an adoptable cat in purrson to see if you mesh.

I’m a little behind.

Butt!
The right cheek’s a little off.

I had a fine dream of posting something new on this blog every week. But sometimes I just get so busy–and since I don’t have a clear direction for this blog yet, I overthink every little idea–that I fall a little behind.

Also, whenever someone says “I’m a little behind,” all I can think about are tiny butts.

Goddamn Pickle Tricks

Recently, I was making a recipe for a vegan tuna salad (chickpeas, yo), and the recipe called for these stupid tiny pickles that I don’t have. Because who just has pickles? If you do have a jar of pickles, it’s probably bread and butter pickles leftover from a barbecue held in honor of your eighth birthday.

So I went to the grocery store, pretty much just to buy a jar of these specific tiny pickles. Naturally, they don’t come in small jars–they come in jars the size of my face.

When I got home and started making the recipe, it called for chopping up, like, six of the tiny pickles from this massive jar, and tossing them in the tuna salad.

Only as I was making my well-deserved sandwich, did I realize, “Chopping up pickles is sort of like relish. Wait, it is relish…. GODDAMN IT, I COULD HAVE JUST USED RELISH.”

relishpng