Wow, People Really Love Penises.

The most popular post on this blog BY FAR is the one about seeing “The Golden Penis” in Prague. I’d really love to know if that post inspired anyone traveling to actually seek out The Golden Penis for themselves.

And because you guys all love phallic imagery so much, I thought I’d deliver a positive message in the form of a drawing. JUST REMEMBER, you get to decide who you are in this world. No one can tell you who or what to be. Only you can define yourself.

"I'm not a dick!"(And for anyone thinking, “Good lord! What would your mother say if she saw this?!” If my life up until this point is any indication, she would take the tablet stylus away from me and say, “Come on, Pug. You can do better. That’s not how you draw a penis. I’ll show you how to draw a penis.” Then she’d hover over my shoulder until I got it right.)

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I Am Meow Open to Finding My (Cat) Soulmate

cat soulmate valentine2Sometimes, you need to put positive energy out into the world acknowledging that you are—at long last—ready for a deep and meaningful commitment. With a cat.

I have decided that I am now ready to share my living space with a cat. But not just any cat. I don’t want to adopt a cat for the sake of getting a cat. What I’m looking for is a spiritual bond. Love at furs sight. I’m ready to find a cat that looks at me and says, “You. You are my human.”

My soulmate cat may find me, one way or another. But I’m not above putting myself meowt there. Going to adoption events. Hanging out at shelters.

Know a good cat(ch) and want to play matchmaker? My ideal cat is female, small, preferably not orange—I’m a sucker for unique-looking cats—with a passive, calm purrsonality. Not a kitten, maybe an adult cat that’s one or two years old.

If you’re also looking to adopt a new furry best friend, the best online cat match resource I can recommend is Petfinder. It’s a great way to see all of the cats in your area that need a good home. (Just in my area, there are SIX THOUSAND cats up for adoption. That’s insane. On a completely unrelated note: How much space do you think I would need to adopt six thousand cats?)

Even if you’re looking for a specific breed and you think you’re just going to need to shell out cash for a breeder, try Petfinder first. Scottish Folds? On Petfinder. Russian Blues? On Petfinder. Siamese? Petfinder. ONE-EYED CATS? THIS IS NOT A EUPHEMISM, MY FRIEND. PETFINDER.

Not big on internet dating—I mean “cat finding?”

On the off-chance you’re in the DC-area, check in regularly at PetMAC in Friendship Heights. They work with a rescue in Virginia to have adoptable cats just running free around the shop.

Not in DC? Check and see if there’s a cat café near you! If they work with a rescue, that’s a good way to meet an adoptable cat in purrson to see if you mesh.

6 Truly Scary Halloween Shots

Need to bring something fun last-minute to a Halloween party? Never fear! (Except when it comes to your own mortality.) I have prepared this list of truly terrifying Halloween shots.

Please note: I don’t believe in measuring.
ghost
The Ghost
1 part espresso
1 part kahlua
(Because it keeps you up all night.)
Always delivered with the reminder, “We’re all going to die one day. Enjoy.”

Frankenstein
1 part granny apple vodka
3 pennies from the bottom of your purse
1 Lemonhead
(Let the lemonhead dissolve. That gives it that jolt to really make it come alive.)
Don’t worry about the pennies, alcohol kills germs.

The Sexy Vampire
Tomato juice
A dash of pepper
Goldschlagger
Serve with tampon as garnish.

The Basic Bitch
Fireball
1/2 teaspoon of pumpkin spice
Apple cider

The Trick or Treat
2 shot glasses
In one: Sprite and Bubblegum Vodka
In the other: Sparkling Salt Water
Choose wisely.

The Slimer
Absinthe
1 teaspoon corn starch
Stir and let sit for 60 seconds.
Try not to puke.

 

Things You Didn’t Know: The Truth About Tater Tots

We’ve all heard of Jacuzzi, Kleenex, Post-It, Xerox—and all those other brand names that became the generic term for all forms of that product by all manufacturers.

But did you know that the humble TATER TOT lives amongst their midst?

I started to suspect something was amiss when I stopped at the grocery store to pick up some frozen tots before heading to a friend’s house. (She was making homemade tomato soup and vegan grilled cheese. I felt tots would be an appropriate side dish. Feel free to agree with me.)

Standing there, in the freezer aisle, I realized something.

Potato puffs. Tater puffs. Potato rounds. Tater treats.

Tots 4Why weren’t they called tater tots? I’d always called them tater tots.

Naturally, I consulted Wikipedia. The knowledge repository informed me that “Tater Tots” were trademarked by Ore-Ida.

The little registered trademark symbol on Ore-Ida’s website confirms this to be true.

“If it’s not Ore-Ida, it’s not Tater Tots.”

Tots 3

I’m a little behind.

Butt!
The right cheek’s a little off.

I had a fine dream of posting something new on this blog every week. But sometimes I just get so busy–and since I don’t have a clear direction for this blog yet, I overthink every little idea–that I fall a little behind.

Also, whenever someone says “I’m a little behind,” all I can think about are tiny butts.